Post by Taylorholic78 on Aug 11, 2005 10:13:21 GMT -5
* from www.trusttheprocess.com
Throughout the course of 1998 John (the artist formerly known as Nigel) expressed many thoughts, opinions, ideas and insights (or just the ramblings of a madman to some!) through a feature on this website called The Nigel Page. We thought we would bring them all back for those who might have missed them.
October 1998
It has been a long time since my last entry, and a lot has happened. The death of my Mom, obviously, has been the single most significant event, the one which has changed me the most. I don't feel bad about it, strangely. I mean, when I think about her, lying there, so sick and helpless, I cannot help but feel sad, and I wish that she was here, alive, today, rather than not be, but all in all I feel okay about it. I had perfect closure with her; I was there when the spirit left her, and she had a long strong happy life.
In some way I feel stronger for her death. Perhaps that is because something that I had feared happening for so long finally happened, and I am okay, my Dad is okay, and that is in some way empowering. To be present at the passing of a loved one is, I have learnt, an incredible experience, a gift. Not so dissimilar from being present for a birth. It is an experience that transcends every other in its simplicity and profoundity. My being there I feel represents my overall relationship with my Ma. I had realized that I needed to have some distance between myself and her, for me to grow, but ultimately, the love and gratitude I felt towards her was thus: I was there for her.
As for my Dad, and the closeness Mom's passing allowed us, I shall be forever grateful. Even if we never find that closeness again (which I think we will, actually), I shall never forget it. In Mom's death the love I had for my father was inspired, and in his dignified and loving handling of the moment, my respect and love for him was doubled.
My Mom was a big pray-er. She visited the church almost every day, and had a good relationship with Jesus Christ, who was God as she worshiped him, through the Catholic Church. "Say a prayer for me" and "God help me" were two phrases she used many times in her last days. I always said yes, I would, and mostly then forgot, not really believing that my silent recitals of Christian prayers would actually make any difference to her condition. Since her death I have not prayed for her soul, so to speak, because as far as I know, there has been no purer believer than her, and if she hasn't been rewarded with an entry to the Catholic heaven, then no one has. As Father John Carlyle said at her funeral mass "Jean doesn't need our prayers, God doesn't need us to remind him that she is a worthy candidate" or some thing similar.
I think about her every day, and she is with me in my every act, especially those I take pride in, or if not pride, then satisfaction at least.
Throughout the course of 1998 John (the artist formerly known as Nigel) expressed many thoughts, opinions, ideas and insights (or just the ramblings of a madman to some!) through a feature on this website called The Nigel Page. We thought we would bring them all back for those who might have missed them.
October 1998
It has been a long time since my last entry, and a lot has happened. The death of my Mom, obviously, has been the single most significant event, the one which has changed me the most. I don't feel bad about it, strangely. I mean, when I think about her, lying there, so sick and helpless, I cannot help but feel sad, and I wish that she was here, alive, today, rather than not be, but all in all I feel okay about it. I had perfect closure with her; I was there when the spirit left her, and she had a long strong happy life.
In some way I feel stronger for her death. Perhaps that is because something that I had feared happening for so long finally happened, and I am okay, my Dad is okay, and that is in some way empowering. To be present at the passing of a loved one is, I have learnt, an incredible experience, a gift. Not so dissimilar from being present for a birth. It is an experience that transcends every other in its simplicity and profoundity. My being there I feel represents my overall relationship with my Ma. I had realized that I needed to have some distance between myself and her, for me to grow, but ultimately, the love and gratitude I felt towards her was thus: I was there for her.
As for my Dad, and the closeness Mom's passing allowed us, I shall be forever grateful. Even if we never find that closeness again (which I think we will, actually), I shall never forget it. In Mom's death the love I had for my father was inspired, and in his dignified and loving handling of the moment, my respect and love for him was doubled.
My Mom was a big pray-er. She visited the church almost every day, and had a good relationship with Jesus Christ, who was God as she worshiped him, through the Catholic Church. "Say a prayer for me" and "God help me" were two phrases she used many times in her last days. I always said yes, I would, and mostly then forgot, not really believing that my silent recitals of Christian prayers would actually make any difference to her condition. Since her death I have not prayed for her soul, so to speak, because as far as I know, there has been no purer believer than her, and if she hasn't been rewarded with an entry to the Catholic heaven, then no one has. As Father John Carlyle said at her funeral mass "Jean doesn't need our prayers, God doesn't need us to remind him that she is a worthy candidate" or some thing similar.
I think about her every day, and she is with me in my every act, especially those I take pride in, or if not pride, then satisfaction at least.
Lover of John Taylor ~Sewah Sistah #4~SS Co Vice El Presidente~Patron at the Late Bar in Duranie Hell-AKA Norm~Gives Hot Lovin' to NMOM JT~Official Keeper of Johns Yummy Leather Pants & Johns Planet Earth shoulder groove~Johnner #85~Shin says NIGELS EVEN CALLGIRL~Vane+Joni=Duranie Douches